1. VOICE RECOGNITION

How It Was Supposed To Change The World:

Video phones weren't the only devices that turned up in almost every futuristic sci-fi story. Most also promised a future where you could turn out the lights, get a drink and have your ass loofah'd with a simple voice command. And it didn't seem so far-fetched, all we needed was some decent voice recognition software and the desire to not move a fucking inch.

These days there are tons of different types of software that can recognize speech. Researchers have been working for years to get it into hospitals for medical transcription, into the military for voice activated death machines and into homes to save people the indignity of walking across the room.

So why do we still have to turn on our TV by punching a damned button?

How It Didn't Change Shit:

Just ask doctors. They were supposed to be some of the main early adopters, since laborious transcription of their taped medical notes is a major expense for them. What they found was that most voice recognition software is about as smart as a drunken donkey (that is drunk because it's depressed over its recent severe head trauma).

Because every human voice is different, with regional accents and slurred words, training voice recognition software to understand you takes forever. And even then it's never 100 perfect accurate.

Likewise, the Air Force bailed on voice recognition for pretty much the same reasons. It turns out that most pilots won't use a product that might send their jets careening into the ground due to a mumbled command.

As for the rest of us, well, have you called tech support recently, and gotten "help" from the robot lady who tries to walk you through your problem via voice commands? How long did you last before you started screaming "AGENT" into the phone over and over?

Is There Any Hope?

Companies have lots of motivation to keep developing voice recognition: it lets them cut loose expensive human customer service workers and transcriptionists. So vendors will continue to sell the software and presumably improve it.

Meanwhile, the new line of Lexus luxury cars use voice commands for everything from climate control to navigation. We have no way of knowing how many of these drivers trying to go to "Bill's Donuts" wind up at "Dildo Hut."

2.THE SEGWAY

How It Was Supposed To Change The World:

No recent product in the last 50 years got the kind of hype the Segway did prior to release. Even though it's little more than a fancy scooter, the first people to lay eyes on it thought it was the second coming of Jesus. Sweet, scooter Jesus.

The buzz started well before the majority of people had even seen a Segway. In early 2001, word started to spread about an invention that would change the world. Journalist Steve Kemper fanned the flames of hype in his 2002 book, Code Name Ginger, which told the story of the development of the Segway and inventor Dean Kamen's attempts to get investors for their miracle invention.

And get them he did. The venture capitalist John Doerr said it was "as big as the Internet" and Apple honcho Steve Jobs said it was "as big a deal as the PC." Presumably both men, when showed a cigarette lighter, bowed down and declared it to be "our fiery overlord."

So whatever its quality as a transportation device, one thing was certain: the Segway could totally make smart people say stupid things.

How It Didn't Change Shit:

There were a lot of reasons the Segway failed to set the world on fire. For one, it's a fucking scooter. And not even cool like a Razor scooter. It's the Razor scooter's fat, anime-loving cousin. After months of being prepared for a revolution in transportation, the public was a little disappointed when the Segway turned out to be a podium on wheels instead of something cool, like rocket boots.

Oh, and it cost as much as a used car. And it was almost impossible to use it without looking like a complete asshole.

Kamen wasn't going to let his dream die just because people thought it was epic scale gay. As he said, "it's an alternative to walking. We can't let them call us a scooter." There was just one problem: Almost everyone called it a scooter. Consequently, it was illegal in many countries in the world to use a Segway on public streets or sidewalks for the first several years of the invention's existence.

Kamen sold a few, mostly to police departments and hilariously chubby mall cops, but in the end the Segway turned out to be one more thing that didn't live up to the hype. But at least it didn't make you shit your pants.

Is There Any Hope?

The good people at Segway are nothing if not persistent in their desire to make your lazy ass ride their little scooter. Since its massive flop on arrival, laws have been changed allowing the use of Segways in 43 states with several others having local regulations to allow them. Sweden and Denmark also recently overturned laws that prohibited the use of Segways.

As of March of 2009, 50,000 Segways had been shipped, a number they'd initially planned to reach back in 2003. So, hell, maybe by the year 2200 upwards of one in five people will be on a Segway. The rest of them will be getting laid.

3. THE VIDEO PHONE

How It Was Supposed To Change The World:

As early as 1910, people were imagining a wonderful future where they could see the person they were talking to miles away while still being able to enjoy the privacy of being pantless off screen. Videophones were standard future tech in science fiction (hell, imagine Star Trek without the bad guy threatening the crew on the giant wide screen monitor that apparently works with all alien camera technology).

So companies have been tinkering with videophone systems for decades, and AT&T had an easy to use prototype up and running by the 60s. By 1970, the picture phone was available for use in New York, Washington, Chicago and Pittsburgh. Major companies like Westinghouse had units installed in their corporate headquarters.

The video wasn't great but it didn't matter. The grainy technicolor future was here!

How It Didn't Change Shit:

Besides costing $1500 for the phone, the service cost over $90 bucks a month. Back in 1970, most people's disposable income was tied up in polyester shirts and cocaine, leaving little room for insanely expensive talky boxes. But the real nail in the coffin was the fact that people didn't want to use videophones nearly as much as everyone thought they did.

Sure, it was fun to see the person you were talking to at first, but once the novelty wore off it got weird. People didn't look at the camera when they talked, they looked at the screen. Even in webcams today, you don't look at the girl you're paying $5.95 a minute, you look down and to the left. The reason face-to-face contact is so valued by people, aside from the chance to score a peripheral glance at some boob, is the human eye contact. And the videophone didn't allow any.

Another unforeseen problem was that people liked being able to see the person they were talking to, but didn't really want anyone to see them. With a regular phone you can answer safe in the knowledge that no one knows how sad your life is. But with a video phone, you can't hide the fact you're eating sandwiches on the toilet.

Is There Any Hope?

Sure, webcams have become ubiquitous, but most people use those to masturbate with strangers. Somehow that doesn't feel the same when you're using your home phone talking to grandma. Many cellphones have the capability to send and receive video calls, it's just a matter of most people not giving a damn.

It's useful for some groups,such as the deaf who can use it to sign, and for various medical and diagnostic purposes. Outside of those specialized uses, it seems to be doomed to always be a novelty, niche product.

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