I'm just no good at doing this...i never was. The mere thought of rejecting someone was just as bad as if i was being rejected and believe me, in my opinion, i think i've liked more boys that haven't liked me in return than the other way around and it doesn't make things easier when i am not interested in someone that is interested in me.
You just can't help these things. I think in some ways it's chemical, it's something not just from within. I happen to believe that there is a certain number of things that make you interested in someone, not just based on looks. It's connection, a feeling or vibe. Jay is a reasonably attractive guy so his looks have nothing to do with this equation. his accent is very Texan but anyone would be willing to get past that. The thing that i hate the most is that he "speaks" certain words like freaking Shakespeare. For example: "Kenet, where art thou?" or "Cometh here!"
I can't tell you how that fucking annoys me. Kind of like nails on a chalkboard. Eww. Just Ewww. Sounds Cheesy and... eh.
I honestly feel no attraction towards him. No Kick. Lack-O spark.
The guy lives like 5 minutes away from me. It would be so easy for me to take that shot but i don't want to. Why would i put him through something like that? I would never be invested the way he would and by leading him on (even just a little) would still be unfair. I wouldn't know how to handle it if he fell in love with me and i didn't feel the same way back and i know i never will. I feel bad now and i have done NOTHING to make him think that i want to have anything more. That's why he asked me last night if 'i liked him at all'. Sometimes i come to the conclusion that at least for the time being with my current situation with Daniel that i do not want to look at anyone else even though right now i don't trust Daniel because of his recent doings and maybe past ones too but i have given SO much of myself to him....way more than ever thought i would that i'd feel like we are together in this, that Daniel and i are braided together and perhaps my heart and soul are meshed somewhere inside of him even if our future is less than certain.
IT just makes it worse when Jay looks at me tells me things like: "God, why are you so beautiful?" and when he tells me that i give the best hugs, i mean...what do you say to a comment like that?
I guess it just proves once and for all that no matter how great someone might be, that there are times where you just can't fight feelings. You love who you love...even if they hurt you like hell half the time. Such is my Life.

* And i'm sitting here now wondering why Daniel goes without a warning never letting me know he's not going to speak to me. After doing what he wanted, then hearning nothing back for about seven or eight days now. I get so sad and i'm a little hurt now.

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