Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

State of Grace.

I'm not entirely present. I keep spacing and thinking...
thinking about him. He hasn't called or anything else.
It's a new year but i don't want to ride that wave hoping or expecting just because "it's a new year..." you know?
It would probably be best if i just treat this as a continuation of any old previous day without the emphasis on NEW year.
Still, i goddam hate that he hasn't replied or given signs of life since that day. What IS it with men anyway? Thinking they can demand and then not give their share in return. How selfish. This is Daniel, i know so why am i ranting about this?
It's almost like getting upset at something or someone when you know perfectly well the outcome. I think i just need to stop wishing that he would change certain things that still bother me about him.
Like the way he never answers his cell when i call, and the way he doesnt reply to my texts when he knows he owes me something.
The way he still lies, only now the diffrence is, he knows that i know that alot of what he says is shit.

I get frustrated when he's like this and even more because half of this is my own fault for still allowing it to happen to me. I don't know any better sometimes. There he is doing things and there i am so i should me more angry at myself. After he does something that makes me upset, i say to myself: "Ugh, why do i even bother?"
Then, when he does something that makes my heart melt or he makes it up to me, that's when i know WHY exactly i bother.
I love him. Plain and Simple. I don't cry anymore but i do lay there at night sometimes and i wonder how someone can make you feel so insignificant and at the same time so elevated to a state of grace that you can't even imagine it.

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posted on 2011-01-01 @ 11:11 p.m.