Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

Name on the Napkin.

When i held that old napkin in my hands my eyes went from here to there just starring at my whole name writen over and over and how my parents (barely dating at the time) were already picking out what my name would be. Crazy, no? How things turned out. It's amazing to think how i didn't physically exist yet and how God must of been looking down at my parents sitting wherever and naming a ghost child in a sense. Maybe without realizing it, they set off a subconcious wish.
I myself had come up with with potential names over the years...you know the kind- When you're in middle school and you randomly talk about what you want your kid's name to be with your friends, but i had only ever spoken names for a girl because that is what i wished to have first. I came up with a few i liked but they all seemed too common and i didn't want my baby to blend in with everyone else. I thought about how music was such a force in my life and how in love with it i have always been.
Sometimes i hated my own first name so much too because it was so hard for people to pronounce. It was always like a tiny battle every time and i hated having to practically teach people how to pronounce it. Even now, it sort of annoys me and irritates me when they can't seem to get it right...call me crazy.
I guess that propelled me to never, ever name any child of mine anything that people could not say. So, i connected my love for music and my own name woes. I also had this thing about all the 'name songs' out there that i loved and i thought: "How cool it must be to be named after or have a song written with your name on it..." I kinda envisioned that daughter growing up then someday when she fell in love with someone and he with her, that he'd always sing that song to her. In a way, i wanted it for me too but let's face it, cannot be done! Ha.
So i finally decided on a name for her, if she should ever exist the way my parents wished for me without even knowing it at the time. I wanted to write that name on a napkin that i could keep and then, when she's old enough, show her how much i wanted her even if i wasn't sure she'd ever be born... but that my longingness to be a mom someday was always there tucked away in my own heart and mind. I wanted God to see me just like he saw my own parents.

So i closed my eyes and said:

"Hollyann..."

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posted on 2010-12-12 @ 12:27 a.m.