Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

i owe you nothing.

I don't know what you wanted me to say, after all we're nothing. It's been what, weeks at most. I haven't taken the trouble to count this because i didn't consider it necessary. But there you are asking me questions and i don't like it.
I feel like an explination was what you wanted but i don't think i owed you one.
Confessing that you are interested doesn't secure you a right to know the ins and outs of what i've said.
Funny thing is, i haven't really given you a proper response to all your flattery. At most, i just thank you. That's about as good as anyone can do these days. I gave you green light to visit me at work last friday. You happily agreed and said you'd stop by. It wasn't busy so i could of easily chatted with you. You send me a text about 2 minutes after you said you'd come and cancelled. I shrugged it off. You not coming was no skin off my back. I said it was cool. My shift was almost over anyway and my mother stopped by to look for a new purse.

A short while later, the store is closing up and i'm heading for my locker. I look through my bag and i make sure my Ipod is there and when i reach in to put my phone away, it begins to buzz.
You tell me you stopped by and sitting in the parking lot. Really?
Just because you didn't see my Volkswagen, doesn't mean i'm not there. I told you i was working till midnight. You could of come inside, i was still there.
I know you must of been nervous but i still don't know why. I get it, you're taken back by how pretty 'you think i am' but i hate that being the reason why you're outside and parked out.
I left earlier than expected. Justin doesn't like to linger on after the store is dead, he just wants to go home like the rest of us.
You left without even coming in. It irritates me that someone would act like a 7th grader who's afraid to talk to a girl. If you're here, come to the store, say hi, talk to me and we'll see what else unfolds.

You kind of just left me hanging after i gave you truth. You have to give me credit dude, because, it is unfortunate that there's still an infinate amount of pain still inside of me from everything that's happened and i'm not going to ignore it. Maybe it bummed you out but at this point in time, i don't care what you might think. I have to care about me, myself, getting better and getting through this. That's my priority. Waking up every day, getting a little better each time even though there's a part of me that thinks that no matter how seemingly well i might recover, that years along the road i might still wonder what it would of been like to have him. Don't judge me for wondering every now and again what it might feel like to have my hands in his hair.
I still carry that with me but with the resignation that i'm some dream that he hasn't been able to make his in all those fantasies (if he ever had any) about me.
I ache to be better and i think that the day that i finally get there, sadly you still wouldn't measure up, even with all of his current flaws.
Isn't that just sad?
Knowing that no matter how much you try, that you couldn't rip this feeling from me.

I knew it, the day he said I love You.
After that, something shifted and I knew i was a gonner.

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posted on 2010-10-19 @ 1:21 a.m.