*Dad and i got into a fight yesterday. It wasn't pretty. I don't want to get into the details of that but he acted like a mean fuck with zero feelings. We hadn't had an argument for a long, long while. He's the kind of person that will come to you and start yelling out of nowhere and you're like "huh?" but the thing that i hate the most is that instead of yelling at him right back like he deserves, i start to cry. I cry out of anger. I always cry during arguments with him or anyone else and it's not because i'm sad about it...it's because i'm so angry that i can't seem to do anything else BUT cry. I talked to Tim about it a little today but i didn't go into detail with him either. These things tend to stay with me longer than i think they will. I'm still mad at him even though he apologized after he had calmed down. Mum wanted me to hug him but on the inside, i was like 'Fuck No...' and then dad said he didn't blame me for not wanting to show affection and that he probably deserved any anger i had towards him.
I didn't disagree with him on that but after a little while and the fact that i was all cried out, i hugged him anyway but not like i'd usually hug anyone i was fond of. He got a side hug. Sometimes it's a shame that physically i have so much of him. Everyone says my dad and i look alike...that i'm the female version of him. I don't know that i like that much. How can i stand looking at myself knowing that i look like the person that causes me distress. The only thing of my mother's that i've got is her long, slender hands, her smile, her ears and light skin color. The rest belongs to my dad and his side of the family. He's hurtful and he's good at it.
I've got to have thicker skin when it comes to him.
Maybe someday he won't be able to get to me. Can't wait for that day.

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