Destination Unknown.
It's taken about a couple of weeks and i've had the letter in the envelope in my drawer since i got the notebooks.
Tim's been great and very generous with those 4 big books to give me.
I wrote a thank you letter and shared some thoughts i've had with my personal life...the usual.
I had more to say so i thought i'd stick another letter there and since i thought that alone wasn't enough, i'm going to get him a gift card to Barnes & Noble too.
That should make him smile for sure since he's so fond of reading. He's trying hard to win me over, and i know that he's got deep feelings brewing for me, but i don't even have any head space to think about dating anyone until i know for sure that my feelings are complete and true and that they feel right.
He's my friend and i appreciate his noble actions towards me. I can't possibly reciprocate feelings to everyone that insinuates them.

Last Night, Nate just spit it out. We both have mutual friends and he lives over by Sarah's neighborhood. I never met him but we might of gone to LHS together. He came out and said that he was probably being too obvious and that sure enough he liked me. Responding to that has to be something gentle- I couldn't take away his feelings even if i tried. I just don't think that every girl/guy friendship HAS to necessarily lead to a relationship but it is a little difficult to keep it on a friend level when one person is developing something deeper for the other.

I thought Anthony and I were the kind of best friends who would never have to go through that and come December, he gave me the shocker to end the year with a bang. Feelings for me. It saddends me to a point that i cannot be this open to certain people as far as returning feelings goes. I cannot control what i currently feel any more than anyone else could control theirs.
Luckily, Anthony and i have not spoken about it since and we decided not to let this change how close we are. Granted that i didn't speak to him until a few days ago because i was too weirded out about it but we've survived it.

As much as i would like everything to be established where i could say 'no, i can't go out with you, i have someone that loves me and i love back'... i cannot. The person that i am definately in love with now where i'd be able to say 'i'd marry you in a second if you asked me' is also something that has yet to be resolved. It's been a long time coming for that, but for now, that's something that i have been struggling with for a long time and as long as i still feel this way, i cannot handle being with another person. It flatters me that there are others that are willing to give me everything inside of them but what good would that do if i can't give them what i have too?

I'm not worried or losing sleep over who's going to be the one for me. I let that go and it's not in my hands anymore. I don't want to deal with the stress of that now. I don't want this situation to be an issue with the people i meet either. I'm going to have to be around guys every day of my life and as long as i'm single, they're going to take a chance on me if they feel the urge to, but i'm still a prisoner of my feelings and as long as i feel them true and right, i cannot just let them go. They're still so buried inside that if i gave them much room for thought, i'd find myself crying again.

For the most part the men that have approached me all say some things in common that they have found to like in me, like qualities that you don't really see anymore. I like that, because it means i'm doing something the right way but the way that i am with them is the same way i'd be with another friend. If i was interested, i'd act a diffrent way and they'd be able to tell.
I feel a little tangled but i've tried to stay as honest as possible too.

I'm not over D. and i don't know if i'll ever be to be honest. In the end, if he didn't want to be with me at all, i'd find a way to move on with my life somehow. It'd be hard and i'd still feel the way i do now for a long time afterwards but i'd have to keep going if i had no other choice. Truth is, i don't know where any of this will end up and frankly, i'm anxious to resolve this...and soon.

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posted on 2010-03-22 @ 4:37 p.m.