since i cried for us.
When i feel like i can't place my finger on what it is that i feel so off about on certain days, it usually manifests itself in front of me somehow.
I know, there's a time for everything.
I sleep very fast now, very unlike before. I used to lay awake for an hour or so watching my ceiling fan spin and make noises.
Things have changed. Within a minute i can drift off and sleep quickly.
Before i do, some nights i think about how he's doing and if he's okay.
I worry sometimes that he'll finally give up on life.
I try to keep a fair amount of distance- i don't like to be a clinger but then i think about it: who else is going to be there for him?
Yes, things happen on their own and life doesn't ask us for permission most of the time. When there is a choice we can make, i think it counts for alot. Alot of the time i think it will be his choice to open up, or just not stray the way he does.
I miss him right now. Very much, but i can handle it well now.
I don't cry about it. It's been about a year since i cried for us and it's not because of lack of feelings. It just got to be pointless to shrivel down into a dark corner.
Now i look at things with promise and hope and i let them happen as they must. I want to encourage him, yet keep my distance if he wants it. I want to be available if he needs it without nagging him about it.
I want to let him know i love him without making him feel guilt for not commiting to a relationship after almost five years.
I want him to know i wish his happiness, even if i'm not included in it.
I miss the sound of his voice. Just the way it sounded at night when he'd drive around then call me for no reason at all. Sometimes he wouldn't even call me for a couple of weeks, then in all his randomness, there he'd be out of the blue. I hated it and loved it because it was unexpected.
You just didn't know when or what time he'd call.
I used to jokingly tell him we were connected somehow through songs on the radio or things out in the open or maybe just our thoughts would in some way collide, even our dreams. I doubt he remembers it. It was so long ago.

That's all i have to say tonight. All this might sound sad but i don't see it that way. I feel like i've grown alot through this.

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posted on 2009-11-16 @ 8:56 p.m.