You don't erase 4 years like that but Daniel was really making me upset lately. When i thought about all the times he lied to me, it made me sick to my stomach wondering how someone could do that to a person he claimed to love and care about. I love Daniel still and if he wanted to try again, to be better then i would take him back in a second. I didn't think he was worthy of walking back in as if nothing happened. He'd have to earn my trust again.
I am dissapointed in him though. He should have called me the day he read my e-mail, but he didn't. What does that even tell you about that person?
...That they don't care...

If he even gave a crap about me, he should have called to fix things. Right now there's this silence between us and i don't feel like it's up to me to call him. I think he should be the one to own up to what he did. If this whole mess was even a little untrue, he could have called and said "No, it's not true...i'm not ignoring you on purpose...you've got it all wrong, i do love you"

I was hoping he'd call and i was hoping he'd say those words to me, but he hasn't. I guess i got my answer. I hate the way he does that whole bit...do damn much. It's hard not to notice it. I know that on the inside, i love him still and i thought about him even after talking to Tim all day. While Daniel probably doesn't deserve me because of his recent actions, i can't help but still care so much about him. He's lucky he's got that way about him where people still want to work things out.

I'd be stupid not to give myself a chance with Tim if it came up but at the same time he doesn't even want to try to be anyone's boyfriend. He made it clear that he was in a state of mind where he wanted to be alone & still have sex (if it came up.) but that he didn't need sex so being celibate was fine too. His response didn't surprise me but what did surprise overall was how lately some guys are such commitment phobics. They all want to be single and reap the benefits of a relationship so they won't feel alone...with a little sex thrown in. Tim could do whatever he wanted as far as i was concerned. I like him, but i'm worth so much more & if him and i never happen, i would be just fine. That's the point where i see a red flag come up and i say to myself 'i don't need a guy that wants to be single. he's just wasting my time. i want a guy that likes me & thinks im girlfriend/relationship material.' It's not like i'm expecting to marry right now...that's something i want to be sure of 100% but you know, i just don't get most people these days. I can assure you that i'm not giving anything out right now as far as my friendship with Tim goes. He's fanstastic and smart and handsome as could be, but aside from where he stands individually, i cannot give him something i don't have. I am still in love with Daniel whether he deserves it or not and i'm not the kind of person that goes and hands out something so fragil as love to just anyone.
I still have to talk to Daniel. I cannot leave things the way they are now because this isn't going to go away and i can't pretend that it will.
Tim has an advantage over Daniel in that he constantly travels, he lives in Texas, he comes to Dallas often and has friends here but that doesn't necessarily make him the one for me and it doesn't mean i have to love him because he's got all these great qualities i like. At the end of the day, my heart is the one that decides who it loves...even if it means that right now that person doesn't deserve me or love me & on top of it all lives in Iowa.

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