Mooch and Earl Sunflower Style

Let's go to Bed

Earlier this morning was just an off day for me. I wasn't focused and i didn't get that much sleep. Last night was actually one of those nights where i moped. I knew exactly why but i refused to say it out loud to myself. It would have been horrible to admit that i was feeling miserable. I tried listening to something but it just made me feel so sad. I don't know what's wrong with me and why i can't shake this like a normal person. The others seemed fine with moving past this so why can't i? Why do i torture myself with thoughts i CAN control but then surrender myself to? Is it normal to feel like you know exactly what you want and yet, you know you can't have it? Some days i feel like i have so much energy. I jump around like a fool and i'm walking in a fast pace. I'm smiling and laughing and being funny. Being me.

Then there are the times that i just want to be in bed sleeping and forgetting. Sleeping until my eyes bleed- if that's even possible.

I'm sleepy right now and i just want to go to bed. The dreams i was having made no sense. I was dreaming something about a man who was creating an anti-venom so he did what those snake men do to extract the venom from the snakes. Some of it dripped down my arm and i could feel a tingly sensation there in the same place when i woke up. It was still very present. There was something else about John Cusack but i'm not sure. It was the younger 20- something Cusack. I remember thinking he was cute but that was it. I hate it that my dreams jumble together like that because then they just make me feel stupid.

Last night i got to watch St. Elmo's Fire. It was pretty good. I had to lean back and breathe deep after watching Andrew McCarthy make love in that scene. Sometimes it's hard. I almost feel like the older i get, the more i have the urge to make love which is weird because i'm still a virgin. It's almost like my reproductive organs & my entire body are tell me they want me to give it a go already.

Knowing that the only guy i'd give my whole physical and emotional self to can't even come to me hurts. It really hurts.

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posted on 2009-08-19 @ 9:24 a.m.