out of the shadows.
Talking to other people about what's been going on inside my head lately has really made me cry alot more than i thought i even could...

Got to talk to Yara. God,she is amazing and probably one of the few people with kids that i can actually talk to.
I mean, she started talking with this infinite wisdom and i started to choke up- and i start to laugh because there's only a few people that can make me cry that way at the drop of a hat. I get to see her& her kids this weekend. I was always very hesitant to go to Houston for these kinds of things but now, i think there's something happening inside of me that makes me want to change my life already. Now, it doesn't really bother me and you feel amazingly welcome with all those people.

-My headaches have gone away now even though i'm still wondering if there's actually a chance for me.
There's nothing worse than feeling like you're one of those lost causes.

you'd never want anyone to tell you that. ever. Especially when you make yourself believe that there's no hope for you. Whoever hatched up that idea to begin with is a bastard liar. There's nothing about anyone that can't be changed or reversed. Even all the bad stuff you think is useless to change. I'm sick & tired of crawling into a ball when something goes wrong or shutting people out of my life- especially the ones that don't deserve it. Why should i when i know i can do this? I'm better than fears & heart aches.
I want to be less guarded, less afraid. Fear has guided me out of doing alot of things and when i HAVE done some of them, it's usually on a pressure situation in which i can't say no and once i do it, i realize how ridiculous i sounded by hesitating in the first place.
I also want to heal quickly and believe that i can make it through anything alive and well without any permanent scarring.
Forgeting past experiences seems to be a tough thing for me because i tend to dwell on things; mostly things that i care about and if i feel betrayed in some way, it usually breaks me & leaves me with all these questions.
I'd ask myself why anyone would even want to betray me or lie to me, or even exclude me (although the last one has never happened) I question if i'm really that good of a person/friend and come to the conclusion that i'm doing something wrong.
I say those things because i'd never do them to anyone else.

I'm very attatched to my emotions and they rule me sometimes. I'm changing that.

I'm definately not going to be one of those emotional lost causes. It's ridiculous to think there's no way out when there's so many tiny doors around.
Anyone else that wants to get out of the shadows with me, is more than welcome to.



prev / next

posted on 2009-07-30 @ 2:10 p.m.